I spend a lot of time on beaches, and I see people do inconsiderate and stupid stuff every day. Since I have nothing better to do at the moment, I came up with a few pointers off the top of my head so you’re not a bungling ass on the beach. These are things I’ve witnessed or experienced many times, now that I’ve been lucky enough to be a beach bum for awhile.
- Don’t plop your ass down on the sand or place a chair right in front of someone else enjoying the view of the sea. No one wants to see your cellulite and botched tattoos that close – and likely – they don’t want to see your junk at all.
- Don’t broadcast your life’s dramas to everyone on the beach. No one wants to hear about your morbidly obese step-daughter’s miscarriage. Probably not even the person you’re talking to.
- Don’t let your kids kick or throw sand anywhere near other people. What’s wrong with you parents? Do I really have to even write this?
- Don’t YOU be the source of flying sand. Don’t walk six inches from someone’s wrap or chair as you make your way down the beach. The beach is breezy – so sand will fly into someone’s food and drink sitting downwind to that towel you are shaking out.
- Don’t line up your frisbee or ball throws so that overthrows strike some unsuspecting sunbather in the head. Really? Trust me, you’re not Joe Montana, and your teenage young son isn’t Jerry Rice. Move the hell away from innocent third parties.
- Don’t let your dog run wild. Just because there’s no leash laws in developing countries doesn’t mean other people have to feel the wet sand shake. Yes, your dog is cute, but others shouldn’t have to risk your dog pissing on a towel or backpack.
- Don’t spray lotion upwind from someone. No one wants to inhale your chemical soup.
- Don’t smoke. No one wants to inhale your filth. It’s disgusting. But alas, you’re allowed to smoke on Mexican beaches and beaches in other countries, so at least move away from other people.
- Don’t leave behind your cigarette butts, or any other trash. Just don’t. Take it all with you and get rid of trash the right way.
- Don’t ignore vendors if you don’t want to buy something. In places like Mexico’s west coast, these people hump their asses under the hot sun to make a buck, and at least have the common courtesy to acknowledge their presence by saying ‘No gracias’ or something like it. These fellow humans will appreciate this respect.
- Don’t enter the water really close to other people especially if it’s not a crowded beach and it’s a vast beach. Just because you’re afraid to go into the sea alone does not mean you need to enter the water right next to someone else enjoying a zen-like experience — alone.
File this one under ‘just because’ and ‘beach life’. You may resent me for having these kinds of annoyances. I realize most people would love to have these kinds of problems, and I realize how lucky I am to experience these kinds of silly issues. Hopefully, you don’t ever have to experience these moves by other people when you finally get some time on a beach.
(*Note, my spouse Tedly, was a consultant on this entry.)